February is that wonderful month when the unmarried, the unattached are bombarded with lots and lots of advice on how to find someone, anyone to be with because, God forbid, you are single on the night of February 14th.
Well, in honor of one of my least favorite holidays, Valentine’s Day, here is my list of reasons why I will likely never get married again and, probably, never find another person to date.
Reason Number One: I’m obese. There, I’ve said it. The elephant, literally, in the room. I’m fat. Fluffy. Rotund. Rubenesque. “A few extra pounds”, as they put on dating web sites, doesn’t even begin to cut it. I am at least 50 pounds overweight by any standard, more so by my standard. And it is not for want of trying, mind you. I have been on every “diet” you can think of. Low carb, low fat, high carb, low calorie, keto, paleo, vegetarian, liquid, Weight Watchers, Overeaters Anonymous and some weird, overpriced medically supervised plan they put people on who are going to have bariatric surgery that cost $168 a week.
I have lost weight, temporarily, on all of them. However, as soon as my body figures out what I am trying to do (after about a month), it realizes that the baby factory might shut down and the diet stops working. The weight loss stops. I am a really good maintainer. And then the weight starts to come back. One can only live on 900 calories a day for so long. As soon as I start eating like a normal person again and stop starving myself, the pounds pack back on.
Thankfully, I don’t have high blood pressure, my resting heartrate is about 60, I walk close to 5 miles a day and I can run circles around most people. I’m just fat. I usually have plenty of energy, I do weight bearing exercise, I don’t drink anymore (I never really did anyway), nor do I smoke. I’ve never done drugs and I eat pretty healthfully with very little sugar or bread and almost no processed foods.
A few months ago, I started having weird migraines that cause persistent déjà vu, so my doctor put me on Topiramate, a seizure medication that has the “unwanted” side effect of killing one’s appetite. I lost a little bit of weight on it, but that only worked for so long.
Then, after Thanksgiving, my lungs started acting up. This has been going on for a few years every time I get a cold or have to smell someone’s stinky marijuana or cigarette smoke. Usually, I just go on steroids, antibiotics and an inhaler for a week or two and it clears right up. This time, I ended up in the hospital.
I was on Prednisone for nearly a month and now, all of a sudden, my lab work is showing “pre-diabetes”. Never mind the fact that I can’t breathe properly, just got off the steroids, I’m doing nebulizer treatments several times a day, have multiple lung nodules, an enlarged spleen, cough all the time and my lungs keep filling up with crap, the big concern for my doctor’s office is my weight and they have a weight loss program they can refer me to. You have got to be kidding me!
Although I have magically lost 20 pounds being ill, I am still fat and becoming an invalid and who wants to deal with that, but let’s continue….
Reason Number Two: I have a big mouth. Yes, fellers, I have an opinion. If you ask me a question, you are going to get an answer. I am very interested in what you have to say, but I am also going to tell you what I think. But I want to learn from you. I love learning new things, especially anything mechanical or technical as I am spectacularly ignorant about how new cars and computers work. And if I learn something, I’m probably going to want to talk to you about it.
A man with ideas and opinions is “strong”, “assertive”, “powerful”. A woman with ideas and opinions is “aggressive”, “a harpy” and a “B#tch”.
I know having a strong personality doesn’t always go over very well because some men only like to go out with women who have nothing but air between their ears. Sorry, I am afraid I can’t pretend that I don’t have a brain just to get a date.
Reason Number Three: I am not going to put out on the first date. Or the second, or the third or even the fourth or fifth. I’m not sure, actually. I haven’t been on a second date in a very long time. I’m going to have to get to know you first. I am not really comfortable being intimate with someone I have only met once and talked to via email or text or on the telephone a few times.
I guess I am old fashioned. I know I have been out of the dating game for a while (I met my first husband when I was 18) and the rules have definitely changed. I also don’t want herpes. Or drug resistant gonorrhea. And I don’t trust condoms implicitly. I don’t want a late in life baby. Thanks.
Reason Number Four: My ex-husband is gay. And, no, I didn’t turn him gay. It doesn’t work that way. He was always gay. And just because he is gay doesn’t mean I am a lesbian. If I were a lesbian, I would already be married again and living with my wife on a farm in Vermont raising sheep or something.
No, I am straight. I like men. I love men, in fact. I loved my husband so much I put up with a lot of crap for many years. He loved me so much that he put up with the fact I wasn’t a big, hairy man until he couldn’t anymore. We don’t see as much of each other as we used to when the kids were little, but we get along pretty well when we do.
We get along so well that most people don’t realize we are divorced when they meet us (it must really annoy his partner). This is weird for people who have terrible relationships with their ex-wives and ex-husbands. This is also weird for straight men who aren’t 100 percent comfortable in their sexuality, but you will have to get over it.
Reason Number Five: I’m “too picky”. I guess I am. I said to a friend once that I wasn’t worried if a guy was bald or overweight (who am I to criticize?), but I was looking for someone with a sense of humor, a job, not a raging alcoholic, drug addict or smoker, not married or gay and who had, wait for it, teeth. My friend said I was being too picky.
Really? I mean, I have a decent job and a full set of teeth. I keep a nice house. I’ll be able to wash your skivvies and pay half the rent and set up your CPAP machine and make sure the toilet gets plunged properly after you take a dump (I’m not squeamish). I’ll keep you warm at night because I am now a raging furnace because of peri-menopause. I want to have lots of sex (I have a lot to make up for). What more could you want in a girlfriend or wife?
If wanting to be with a man who would make me laugh, is gainfully employed, in relatively good health with good dentition is being picky, then I guess I will just have to be content with being single for the rest of my life and continue to live like a nun.
To Wrap it Up (Condom Pun Intended): I’m sure I can come up with a few more reasons why I am completely undatable and unmarriageable (most of which probably have to do with being cranky and my personal appearance), but I think this will do for now.
I have a good life. I have a profession I love, time to do volunteer work and my kids are mostly launched, although they and their father still need me from time to time.
If anything, someone younger (or fitter) than I, who was feeling bad about being single, might just be slightly more optimistic about embracing her (or his) liberty after reading this!